Onething

I am listening to a band called Eluvium as I write this; pure piano goodness. When I listen to stuff like this, or after I've had a really good conversation, or I've just read the news, I wonder why I am in school.
A little odd. But it's due to the fact that I realize there are so many details in life that really don't matter. The author of Ecclesiastes, as depressing as it seems to some people, nailed it on the head. Details. Meaningless. Unless it's founded in God.
And a lot of time my work isn't founded in God, my relationships aren't founded in God, my thoughts and focus and time and effort and heart....become meaningless. And so, when I listen to music that strikes my own heart-strings, or feel the intimacy that comes with a friendship so utterly connected to God's love, or am reminded of the greater world full of humanity's struggles, I find myself with God.

Sometimes it's so clear.

Round the Bend

As summer comes to its inevitable close, I'm left with two suitcases and way too much to think about. Being back home has been a lot more difficult than I thought, not just for missing college friends and memories, but for repaving my path here at home. And now that I've found some good things and established a sense of who I am, I have to leave. Again.
Is 'uprooting' oneself a good thing, a natural thing, or something that we dont want but has to happen? I've been debating this. Yes, I like the adventure and new understandings it brings. No, I hate the feeling of being torn and always trying to just 'keep in touch'. I mean, throughout our lives we are uprooted, and it is for the good, right? We have to abandon our childhood to be a teen, and our adolescense to be an adult. And yet, we are the same person through it all. How does this work? How can I change and be even more the same (or at least feel that way)?
This reminds me of God, and how his characteristics seem so broad...a mighty warrior for our hearts, or a gentle whisper of mercy and grace. The Old Testament seems to have more of the God who fights for you, and in the 21st century we spend more time studying the gentle God of peace (and yes, I am pretty much a pacifist but that only applies to humans and their earthly weapons. I miss hearing about our zealous King of kings). What does this mean about God; does he change? Or does he only become more of who he is?
I know I can't compare myself to God, I am only made in his image. But I like having the knowledge that he is going through this struggle with me, that he is uprooting me and replanting me. I like knowing that God has experienced a vast number of situations and remained true - as he says, 'I Am Who I Am'. Therefore, the struggle must be worth it.
However, he's not going to be packing my suitcase...I better get on that.

hem hem.

So it's been some time, since I've updated. I hate that term 'update'. I feel like that's all I do is catch-up/update. But so it goes...

I am no longer excited at the prospect of trying to earn money this summer. I am that lazy, already. Perhaps it's due to my lack of tan (but also lack of skin cancer. actually this isn't true, I just came back from camping so i am tanned, just not as dark as my little cousins) and the tempting beaches, or perhaps just because I want to stop 'catching-up' with people and start creating our own memories. You tell me.

Lately I've been feeling so much like a young, stupid kid, while at the same time like an old fogey. It's an odd combination. I wonder if it's due to the fact that I call myself a college student but still find myself having more fun playing with little kids.

Something else that has been plaguing my mind lately is my loss of community due to the fact that I am no longer in the country 9 months out of the year. I think this is why I desired to reconnect with my church again. I want involvement, I want the community that the Bible speaks of. This is something I've been struggling to find, if I think about it, practically all my life. As a kid it took forms of "When I'm older I'll do this", but now that I AM older, I'm at a loss. It's like I need someone to give me direction, but I know it must be me that chooses the direction. These are the real responsibilities of being an adult, something I could not foresee.

I don't know if any of my blogs ever really make sense to people, as it's more of my way of sorting thoughts. Right now my mind is still full of good things as I recall this past week's good weather, beautiful Monck park lake, family/cousins time and popsicles. My Dad and I trekked for a little bit on some random hike near kamloops, and each step brought up a flurry of grasshoppers (or locusts, as I like to think of them). Me and Dad reflected that if this little scattering of bugs was enough to make us amazed and slightly frustrated, then think about the 10 plagues. Seriously, a cloud of locusts would make anyone insane. Like I said, random thoughts.

If you are still reading this, thank you. You must be either a friend (I love Amber!) or an enemy out to get me by studying my tactics. If you are the latter, I bid you farewell. I have trained Ninjas at my beck-and-call.

These are better days

Music has a way of speaking emotion; right now I'm listening to a plethora of tunes while reconciling my thoughts.
You can never tell when life will become difficult, and even more so, when in it, you're surprised by joy. This past week has been hard on my heart and mind, but I was given a small blessing of community today. Once again, a bunch of us May-termers desired a swim due to the hot weather and so in three cars we headed up to a waterfall in a tiny town called Higgins. What I love about these events, the 'water-hole ritual' if I may call it, is that no-one knows everyone. Friends called friends, so on and so on, but when you hit that water and feel that sun...its practically magical. We goofed off, took pictures, found a water-snake, and just enjoyed the company. This is the simple life. And this makes me so happy, it really was a boost to my spirits.
Anyways I am so excited to come home again, only 1 and 1/2 weeks! I can't wait to see my pretty little homeland stretched across my plane window.

An Illuminated Deer

Well, Mayterm has begun. I'm taking Intro to Psychology and despite the lengthy, information-packed lessons, I'm really enjoying what I'm learning. I stayed in Medina for the week break, my friend Joy's house. It was Mother's Day and that was weird being away from my own mom, but so it goes. We had a really good day, visiting Lake Ontario for my first time. We biked around, found a tree burning from the inside (a firetruck came), saw several deer, and ate good food. We laughed alot; isn't it a relief to meet people with the same sense of humour? I love it when people can find eachother hilarious just by being who they are. As well, I really got to understand Western New York - from the poverty to the Erie Canal books passed out to every grade to the small town rituals - and it was so intimate because I wasn't a tourist, I was really living like I was in this family.

Campus here is so different with only a third of the already small number of Houghton students, we had a really hot day recently and only 5 people were outside...so we found a car and drove to go waterfall jumping. I had never been before, and driving in the old chevy truck with the wind whipping my hair made me feel like I was in one of those summer songs. The waterfall was beautiful (the houghton students who know the location don't litter apparently, for which I am grateful) and about 15 feet high....at first I was terrified, the pool below is sort of small (but deep). But I did it, twice!

I guess I'm still in transition, I feel like I always am, or maybe I just take too long transitioning. Either way, I only have two more weeks here until I come home and learn what it's like to work full-time without studies.

This is my life right now:

I have found a very comfortable position to do my homework. I can lean against the wall on my bed and hook my ankles on the bars above (double-bed) and place my laptop on my stomach and watch Harry Potter trailers. Did I say homework?
Today is raining, which is ironic, because I burned my arms yesterday and am suffering with the consequences (I had no idea sitting in the sun for 2 hours without sunscreen would do this to me, can you tell the winters are long here?).
Tomorow I get to write an essay on Hitler. I find it interesting that he first pursued the arts, and only when he wasn't accepted by a Fine Arts school and gave up living the bohemian life did he discover politics. I think this means schools should never refuse a student. Me and my roommate are listening to classic 50's music right now whilst preparing these Hitler essays.
News: My family has prevented me from working more hours in the summer by forcing me to go on a cruise to Alaska with them. This will be difficult, for I like many others, prefer to stay in a store that smells like a variety of Dutch cheeses and licourice, with some meat thrown in there.
Thats all for now. I'll update when exams are done and I am more sane.

Watching the sun set over Bruxelles

It's been an odd week.
How is it that one can switch lives so easily, in less than a day, and have their thoughts twisted and renewed, with new questions and new answers, just because of where they stand?
Europe brings back a lot of memories, and I am building even more here. Last time I stayed for a month, traveling with my family. This time it is with a friend. Last time I was scared, and it took me some time to adapt. This time I felt prepared, and eager to try my dutch/french. And this time, I felt more like an adult.
It's interesting the path we each take. My friend and I had no idea we would be walking the streets of Brussels together or riding our bikes on the cobbled streets of Holland so soon after graduation. Things change so fast, and with it so do our thoughts.
I suppose what I'm getting at is that all these experiences and thoughts could not have been foreseen. We cannot always be planning out our lives, but must live in the present and embrace its joys and difficulties.

I should be writing more

This last half of the semester is flying by. I am leaving for the Netherlands to visit a dear friend at the end of this week, and after that I will be in my last weeks of my freshman life. Things have already changed in this past semster; over half my friends have switched or modified their majors (but we all know this is highly probable), 3 have begun dating (which, also, is probable but alas! must it begin so soon?), and I have realized some things about myself and God that have hit me harder than I thought.
This past week has seemed to be focused on vocation. We had a HELP day with conferences and academic advisor meetings. Even the chapel speakers we have had recently were reminding us of our future, and how our actions in the present will affect it. For instance, we worry alot about vocation, and money, and the decisions we have to make concerning our major and career. One speaker reminded us that our first calling is our heart; to follow after God. (Which is a heck of a lot more difficult than the way it sounds). Another, whom I might have fallen in love with, is Shane Claiborne. He talked with us about the kind of lives we can live, and how he valued the uniqueness in each individual spreading God's kingdom. Just read his book The Irresistible Revolution; I cannot explain his message in a blog.
These are all challenging perspectives. They are not inspirations that temporarily raise our spirits, or minor shock-values that make us send some money to a charity every now and then. These are callings, vocations to a life that is void of instant gratification and comfort. It requires choice, and heart.
Along with these speakers, I've recently been immersed in films concerning the Rwanda genocide, blood diamonds, brothels and human trafficking, and other world epidemics. Even my biology class is emphasizing the growing need of the right human decisions concerning environmental and agriculture in our country as well as those in poverty.
What is my response when I am overwhelmed with the world's need, and all I am doing is studying in college? What good am I, spending money on education and building relationships in America?
It's been a tough, restless week for me for this reason. I struggle with my vocation right now, not my future vocation. And I realize that all I can do is trust God. All I can do is search, and to not ignore the restlessness in my heart. I do not want to be a comfortable christian, and thankfully God is reminding me of that.
As for now, I cannot save the world. My position is to learn and grow, and not in a 'I'm waiting for God's direction before I can help you', but in humble, searching awareness. As Mother Theresa said, all I can do is small things with great love. And perhaps that's all I will ever be able to do.

hearts in the trim

There have been two prominent instances where I am contently enjoying myself and am interrupted by an act of hate. In my naive mind, I assumed that going to a small Christian college in the middle of nowhere would exempt me from the discouragement you can readily recieve in a city (for example, angry drivers and pushy pedestrians). However, this is not the case. People anywhere can be mean.
Me and my friends went skiing once at a local hill/mountain, and the night wasn't too busy. I was at the end of my run where the ski-lift takes off, when I hear people yell 'Fuck you'. Surprised, I look around and see three guys laughing on a ski-lift chair, and only myself on the run. I didn't understand, until I remembered I was wearing my Canadian toque. Could that be the reason? I couldn't find any other explanation, and was sort of hurt that my nationality was an issue to someone.
Then, just today, me and my friend were running the road by Houghton, and a van drove by me (we were on the dirt side, as there aren't any sidewalks) and threw two bottles at me. This made me angry, even though I didn't get hit. I looked back and was ready to flip them off or yell out, when I realized it would be what they wanted: a reaction. Perhaps I've learned this because of my brother (if he's teasing you, he wants a reaction. don't get mad, and eventually he'll stop. doesn't always work, mom) or from the teachings of Christ. What does it really mean to 'turn the other cheek'? And how do we know when we should actually be standing up against injustice?
Now, my instances were nothing like the racism or hurt that other people have experienced, but it did remind me of how such things cause anger and bitterness. My own reaction to not be angry was to run faster and listen to a rap song. Others, in circumstances of great pain, will have much more of a challenge.
Lately my thoughts have been occupied with this; the way of the world. Where is it that I am needed to stand up for injustice? Where is it that I need to turn the other cheek and keep offering my heart despite the pain? Heck, what does that even look like? Sometimes I catch glimpses of what love really is, and a lot of the time I see what hate really is. Films like Hotel Rwanda and Born into Brothels are great portrayals of this; the overwhelming magnitude of hate and sin of the world, and how the power of showing love or standing up for the hurt is slowly overcoming it.

Waiting for Normal

Last Sunday was a day of accomplishments. For instance, us heathens went to a new church (normally we watch online services, as the church across the street isn't very well liked) which I enjoyed (small, good pastor, good bible study, free food). As well, we managed to stuff 9 people (new record!) in a small car for a 10 minute drive up to Higgins Hill for some sledding. This was preceded once again by stealing Cafeteria trays in broad view of the security guard.
These events are part of 'normal' days for us, or at least weekends. I found myself wading through thigh-high snow, and all my memories of being a kid at Ten-ee-ah Lodge, or my uncle's farm, came back to me. No wonder my Floridian friend wants to play in the snow so much; it is giving us a childhood, whether by memories or just by feeling so small in this vast expanse, all-encompassing, fluffy white snow.
Presently, the accomplishments have ceased. I have stationed myself as a temporary hermit in order to study for 2 exams. But even the best of hermits know that tradition is important, hence me watching 24 last night.
Less than a week until this madness is over! (for a little while, at least)

P.S.

"Don't tell me the moon shines; show me the glint of light on the broken glass"
I forget the author who said this, but I think it's a great line. We are presently working on narratives/short stories in Principles of Writing (POW) and it's amazing how many childhood memories are stored in my head. Some jump out immediately, like family vacations and dinner-time antics, while others require more probing. It amazes me, as I write about these memories and search for their 'point' in my essay, how I begin to understand how much they truly did affect me.
I've been thinking about the future a lot, and in some ways preparing for it. I look at my friends and am amazed at what we are all doing, and will be doing. I appreciate the surprises and the changes, along with the challenges. Because along with the excitement of travel and new friends comes the trying times of keeping communication and showing love while overseas and across countries. I've never been one that liked long-distance relationships (i've had 3 penpals in my life, and they all lasted for a span of 3 weeks each), but I now admire those who keep them up (and i dont mean penpals).
Random update: it snowed another foot here.
Time for dinner.

Onwards! Forwards! Progress!

Well in only 3 hours I depart with 3 friends for 3 days. We planned a trip to a friend's house in Columbus, on which we will be practicing our standard-driving skills. It's nice to have a weekend truly off, without homework or crap food.
I'm realizing how more and more people are getting blogs. I'm pretty happy with that, as everyone has unique entries. Whether it be everyday little things, just pictures, random facts or issues, or profound thoughts, it's a different perspective, and it's needed.
We had a 'Price is Right' Houghton-style game last night, and I was amazed at the prizes. People won ipods, stereos, a flight to San Diego (although it's only one night for one person...slightly odd. but it's a vacation!), and even a tent-camping set. It reminded me of Saturday mornings when me and my sister got up to watch Bob Barker ("reminding you to spay or neuter your pets to control the pet population") and make fun of the Americans. The game we were most excited over was 'Plinko', and so I was delighted to find that Houghton had actually replicated it for our game.
Well those are pretty much all my thoughts at the moment, I'll try and post ballet pictures up sometime soon. (And no, mom and Ali, we don't wear pink tutu's).

Snow Bunnies

I have accomplished something I didn't think possible, after the scarring experience of my first stick-shift lesson in my sister-in-law's car. I can now drive Standard.
It's a beautiful experience; there is so much possibility for mistake. You could stall, you could grind gears, you could be too fast with the clutch or too slow, you could switch 3rd with 5th, you could forget to use neutral....It's great.
We took good ol' Gretchen (my roommate's Pontiac Sunfire) to an empty gravel parking lot to burn some rubber...aka snow. It was the first time I was behind the wheel and doing a 360...I now understand my brother's intitial reaction to the gentle fall of snowflakes: Get the van and do some donuts.
The snow here has only added to our enthusiasm, opposite to what I thought would happen. We still get excited seeing the campus additionally decorated in white, debating how good the ski hill (which really is that. A hill.) will be for sledding. Despite the lack of sunshine on our pale faces, our spirits haven't faltered.

Cures for the Common Cold:

1) Sleep. Various forms such as napping, daydreaming, and the actual sleep you get at night may account for this.
2) Tissues: Depending on the severity of your cold, you may want to have more than one box. Attempt to steal toilet paper from the bathrooms, this can also be used despite its harsher texture.
3) Chicken Noodle Soup: eat. In a scientific study, this little miracle can help stop your runny nose (and thus keep your tissue supply adequate).
4) Medicine: Expensive if from the campus store, thus must be borrowed from friends who have prepared for days such as these.
5) Be creative. Even though you might not be in tip-top shape, your mind can still stay healthy. Think of sunshine and fresh air. Or, even more beneficial, and if your stuffy head can handle it, go outside. Otherwise, avoid infecting the general public and accept any 'mom' treatment from friends.
(This type of behavior, commonly known as the 'I'm pooped, give me a beer and a hockey game' may result from the aftermath of having The Common Cold. Typically, one does not tell others to avoid it, unless it is enjoyed to excessivenes, as is evident in this picture.)

New Faces, Old Places

Have you ever felt the atmosphere of a place so strongly that it instantly effects your own attitude towards it? Perhaps it happens more often than we know, like when that buzz of excitement passes through you when you enter a stadium full of people for a hockey game or a concert. Or even when entering a coffee place with mellow music and sweet smells. The place has a 'vibe' that you become part of.
Coming back to school there is a sense of peace. So many people have left; I suppose us freshman really are the same in that we have no exact notion of where to be, what to do. Many have left, but many have also come. The cafeteria is just as full, but is much quieter. I keep seeing new faces, but unlike my first semester, I don't dread the process of trying to remember names and discover personalities. People are less obnoxious; they aren't trying to stand out or 'present' themselves anymore. There is a vibe, a mixing of old and new, that makes the campus more calm.
We are all more settled, even the blanketing snow falling on campus emphasizes it.

Preparation for the New Year

The best way to look forward is by looking back. That's not true, but these pictures are from Christmas which seems so far past already. Perhaps I am merely traumatized by mom eliminating the Christmas tree already, but here is a little left-over Christmas cheer:

I suck at taking pictures. But at least you can see the glow of the tree.

Mom holding baby.
Jake and Ali having too much fun.

Me too.
Pops as always, looking good.
There isn't much else we can say about Madison. Her beauty astounds us, as well as her odd noises and expressions.
Jangelicob are one.
Elise and Christina, Children of the Beimers clan.

We try.
Uncle Mike had an ongoing battle with that low-hanging light. You can guess who won...
Look at those mountains. Pictures don't do justice.