Lessons at the skytrain station.

I have some distinct memories of growing up that centre around being forgiven. The circumstances or situation I can no longer remember, except that I could barely apologize because I felt so discontent with myself, and I most certainly could not put words to it. These were the times that in the midst of my torrential tears and squirming limbs, my mother could calm me with the simple act of coming into my room and sitting with me. She would put her arms around me or say something along the lines of me being forgiven. 

Grace.

Even now I have a hard time admitting when I am in need of grace. But when it is given, or when it is recognized, there is the same calm, abundant relief, the same depth of understanding that perhaps can only be expressed in sighs and deep breaths.

Last week I felt pretty good about myself when I was able to help a stranger out - they had forgotten to bring the right card to pay for parking, so I quickly stooped over and gave her the right change and then went on my way. How Christian of me. 

This morning it was the opposite circumstance. My own card wasn't working and the only cash I had was a 5 dollar bill. Since only coins are accepted, I kept asking people if they had money to exchange with me. I was already late for school, so when an older man said he only had $3, I switched with him. I paid 2 dollars for 3 dollars. Thats good coffee money. I was actually a little peeved that this guy wasn't more of a gentlemen and refuse to take my money.... didn't I deserve that, especially since it's something I did last week?

It's easy to give when you get to be a bit of a hero. It's harder to give when it requires some grace.

My classmate sort of cleared my frustration with the simple line of 'well, you probably made his day - he just earned 2 bucks off of you.' Har har.

But it made me realize that my reaction was ridiculous when compared to my first 'heroic' experience of helping someone else out. It's easy to give when it feels good, its much harder to forgive, to offer grace, when you feel a bit jilted. But grace is always the better gift.