Jumbled

I feel very much that way: jumbled. I procrastinated my packing by living-in-the-moment which has resulted to a packing-all-my-shit,-do-i-really-need-this-many-socks?-moment.
And yet I abandoned that too...and am now here.
Frankly, I'm scared. Scared to be a real student again, scared to graduate, to have new responsibility, to build a new community. I jump ahead and try to secure my future decisions...and in the meantime I can't even decide what socks to bring to school.
My thoughts are jumbled and there is no time to process. I finished my summer job 5 hours ago, and I depart from home in 36. I've become the type of person that will sit and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for 3 hours before 'feeling' ready to do something that really, really needs to be done. (I just put the dvd in...)
Is this a result of a busy summer, or of fear? I've certainly been busier before, and more efficient. But facing the big 'Last Year of College' has made me hesitate. I'm leaving a place designed for growth and community and entering...what? The Unknown! I've talked to a number of people about this whole 'what happens when you graduate?' question and it's a similar answer to the end of my highschool years.
A few remain.
I remember being shocked when my Mom bluntly admitted "you probably won't see these people that often. You make new friends, and closer ones too, I'm sure." My response? "WHAT? Hold the phone. CLOSER friends? Nay. I am close as I can be. I don't need different friends, we have plans! We are going to stay in touch. I'M NOT YOU."

I was wrong. And yet it was also true that I was 'as close as I could be'. For that time. But I changed, and so did my friendships.

My uncle Matt also named the friends he has remained close to throughout the changes in his life; graduation, new jobs, new homes. A few remain, everytime. But they stay. And that's the only thing keeping me comforted in the midst of The Unknown.
A few will remain, and it will be well.